It’s true that Benny sometimes wondered if he were a little strange, a tad odd, toying seemingly constantly with all that introspection. But he also thought that it would be a hard thing to determine. Who knew how much internal conversation all the people around us are having? Everyone would have their own ‘principal observer’, but how much or how little this mattered would be uniquely individual. Ben Yoskin, and all those he deals with or comes across, outwardly function as well and as ‘normally’ as everyone else, but what the hell might be going on inside is anyone’s guess. Benny is proof positive himself… just read over some of the things he has already revealed.
To not be lost in that introspection, which as I say he realised could be an odd place from which to ponder, Benny had an idea that what was needed really was another person to bounce these thoughts off, some guidance, maybe from someone else who might know more about it, who had perhaps been there before. That would also be a task in itself (although not impossible, I would have thought). It seemed to him that it would just need an opening up to someone, at some stage, and certainly to someone he could trust implicitly. In the meantime, Benny decided that the first and best thing he could do is to take on the task of reading and studying what he could, on all manner of topics, but always with a focus (or make that a theme) of guidance — and an aim to be a sponge, to absorb as much as he could.
Another cause he found himself taking on was to keep up the enthusiasm he felt for how his mind had been working to get these lucid moments he woke up to now-and-then. Benny was happy to continue to be able to work a few more things out, even the smaller twists and conceptions, because from these came the conclusions he’d landed on, which much of the time amounted to a division of what’s important and what’s rubbish. The conclusions, even the ‘gut-feelings’, that resulted were all worthwhile for us in the long run.
Of course he was lucky to have that luxury, and not have to think about basics like food or being warm or dry and other essentials. There was no real worry about actual ‘survival’ in regard to his physical needs, but certainly there could arise conditions that could be a strain on an emotional level, or socially. In some way, although I knew he could never predict what could eventuate in this regard, Benny also needed to work to support the aim of having his life sit firmly on an established basis; no surprises, if he could help it. But of course, who wouldn’t want that?
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